Dear Friends and Family,
We would like to take a moment (or 5) to share with you SOME of our views on the differences between positive and negative adoption language, the attachment phase, regression, and a few other topics specific to adopted children. The point of this post is not to be snarky, but to prevent any hurt feelings in the future.
LANGUAGE
Positive Negative
-Parent(s) Real parent(s) (we are real)
-Your child Real child (they are real too)
-Your child Adopted child
(no matter how you look at it, these kids are OURS, being adopted doesn't define them)
-was, were adopted
is, are adopted
(it happened, it's not on-going)
-placed for adoption given up
(does any one need to hear they were
given up?)
-special needs handicapped or disabled
(frankly all adopted children have special needs)
As the kids get older and start to understand English, please refrain from telling them how lucky they are for having been adopted. Luck had nothing to do with it and we would really like to strive to treat our kids as 'normal' as possible. Our goal is for all of us to treat them just as if they were biological children. They were not 'lucky', nor were they 'saved.' God handpicked them to be in our family- period.
ATTACHMENT
When babies are born, they are inherently attached to their mothers. That's one of the beauties of childbirth! Our 2 little ones had that attachment broken and when we bring them home the attachment they have to their nannies will be broken as well. That is a lot of heartbreak for someone so young!! It will take time for them to attach to us: to learn that we are their parents and trust our love. We understand that everyone will want to see them and meet them, we do! But you must understand that these kids are mostly likely not going to 'like' us very much the first couple months and we have to do everything in our power to make them feel secure.
So, what does that mean?
1) We will not be having a welcome home party.
2) We won't be taking them anywhere- for awhile.
3) Visitors are welcome: in small groups. But, please don't be surprised if the kids are scared or shy. They are barely going to know us so please try not to have any high expectations of excitement at meeting you!
REGRESSION
Most adopted children regress in one or more aspect of life. There is a fancy formula that involves the child's chronological age and the amount of time they've spent in an institution to come up with their 'real' age (or the age they will act like).
So, what does this mean?
1) Easton is being currently being potty trained. We expect him to need at least pull-ups, especially while in China: mostly because I doubt he wants strangers taking him to the bathroom!!
2) Easton can feed himself but may require we feed him 'like a baby' for awhile after we get home. It's possible that he won't but don't look at us funny if he does! Ha! (Also, that's a good form of encouraging bonding, so we may do it anyway.)
3) We don't have a good handle on Phoebe's needs so I don't have many examples for her. The only one I can think of is that she may regress to bottle feeding, especially at night.
Who knows? These kids may just amaze us and not have as many issues as most would expect. However, I'd like us and those closest to us to have an idea what the possibilities are.
THEIR STORY
Their placement stories will never be public knowledge. We will share all the details of their stories with them when we feel like they can understand them. However, we are not going to sugar coat anything. If they don't hear their story from us, in a loving environment, they will discover it on their own... that could be potentially devastating. If the topic should ever arise, just have them come talk to us! We won't hide the fact that they were adopted- I mean they're Chinese, they'd figure it out sooner or later. However, we won't be emphasizing the fact that they were adopted either.
DISCIPLINE AND COMFORT
This may be one of the few areas where we would need to treat them different. Adopted children have had so much tragedy in their lives at such a young age, they have a hard time controlling their emotions. There are way to many differences to list here but probably the biggest 2 involve time-outs and bed time crying. It is strongly advised to not put adopted children in time-out so as to not instill the fear of being abandoned again or of being unworthy. The preferred method is time-in: bringing the child in close and have a short conversation about what happened and staying with them until they calm down. Then, offer them the chance for a do-over.
Then comes the issue of letting them cry it out at night. These children have had to self-soothe their whole lives and have never really had anyone to count on. We are encouraged to be there, especially during night crying, to earn their trust and to prove to them that we are here for them.
Hopefully this was helpful in some ways, and hopefully it didn't ruffle too many feathers. It's no secret that it will be difficult when we get home and mistakes will be made. I'm sure Brian and I are going to slip-up too! Questions are always welcome and while there is a good possibility we won't have an answer, we will find one!
Still waiting on our paperwork to get translated... and then we have to get their immigration paperwork complete before we get travel arrangements. We are still hoping to have traveled and be home or at least be there for Easton's birthday in February.
Please pray for a quick turn around time and that the financial situation will work out!
Thanks for all the love and support!
